I haven’t done one of these in a long time so I might have lost my touch, but we’re all going a bit wacky at this point so maybe I can get away with it. As I am still clinging on to the student lifestyle, I’m working at home from a technicality, so I thought I would stay in character and make a joke about my current lifestyle.
1- The Lockdown Jester
“I just can’t believe there was no traffic” They say as they move from the desk in one room to the sofa in another. They mean well, but there are only so many times you can laugh and feign surprise at the lack of cars on the road, purely because your living room probably couldn’t fit one car in it, let alone a rush hour’s worth. This person will be taking care to use cool creative language such as “blue skype thinking” to show they are adapting, but you can’t knock a person who is being optimistic and upbeat.
2- The Milker
This person has a total understanding of everything they can do that they could definitely not get away with in the outside world. Are they in pyjamas? Probably? Are they pretending their internet is too unstable to have the camera on in a zoom meeting? Absolutely. Are they debating having a white wine spritzer in what looks like a coffee mug? Potentially. Can we blame them? Not really.
3- The Part-Timer
You don’t need an alarm if you have nowhere to be, right? Convincing themselves that starting at 12pm is fine if they just have a late finish, it is inevitable that they will still finish at 5 anyway because they will suddenly convince themselves that “if everyone else has finished I might as well too”. 5pm finishes will suddenly turn into 1pm finishes by the end of the week. This is definitely not based off my own personal working habits. Leave me alone.
4- The Couch Co-op Crew
These are the people who have *gasp* other responsibilities. Apparently toddlers can’t look after themselves, and not everyone is a born teacher for home schooling, so time tabling and tag teaming is necessary. Those long toilet breaks are not toilet breaks, they are definitely dealing with trying to explain a global pandemic to a small human who can barely count to ten. Be patient, they’re trying their best, and they don’t always have a Player 2.
5- The Reinvented Working Professional.
They’ve bought new loungewear. They have new stationery. They have a £5 loyalty voucher from BodyShop because they started a new skincare routine in order to look fresh faced for those routine Zoom calls. They’ve used the lack of haircuts to grow out their fringe and reinvent themselves. They’ll return to work after lockdown and nobody will know who they are. They could have a new identity as well if they wanted to. Like a cool spy.
6- The IT Grandma
Oh BOY, have these guys been thrown into the deep end. What is Teams? How have they shared their screen and how can they make it stop? They are curious about the funny video-call backgrounds but are terrified of clicking anything just in case they have to present their report while on a virtual rollercoaster or being surrounded by pixelated fish. We must keep them in their thoughts, unless they live with young children, in which case they may come out with sophisticated LinkedIn accounts but also the ability to do TikTok dances on the fly.
7- The One Preparing for Retirement
Do they actually want to go back to work? They’re not sure. One thing they are sure about is that their plants are thriving, they’ve been making the recipes they’ve dog-eared in recipe books since 2011 and some parts of the house are no longer in questionable states of dilapidation. They will reluctantly return to work with a weathered tan that makes them look like they’ve spent the past few months on holiday, when in fact they will be wishing away the rest of their working career, dreaming of the taste of retirement that they so briefly had.
Does this count as work? She says after not doing anything else all day. I suppose it can count if I share it on LinkedIn, right?